Pathetic attempts

Every year right before Halloween, I scramble to put together a half-assed costume. After this stressful situation has passed and I have utterly unimpressed every costume party attendee who sees my pathetic attemps, I have the best of intentions to put together some grand costume that I will work on diligently throughout the year, getting the necessary pieces bit by bit. One year I resolved to put together a Jem costume - it would be truly, truly, truly outrageous. But as the year slipped by and one week before the damn holiday I hadn't bought anything, well, it was devil horns glued to the forehead. LAME!

This year I was supposed to pull off the transformed Sandra Dee costume where she's got the leather pants, high heels, and afro hairdo. She shimmies in the shack with Danny at the graduation fair. "Tell me about it, stud." I was going to lose 500 pounds first of course in order to fit into the size zero leather pants she was sporting. It was going to be awesome. But alas, here it is Halloween and I've got nothing. I sure as hell didn't lose any weight. I don't even have a nappy-haired wig to throw on with some dumb mask.

Maybe I should be a toilet brush. I bet no one has ever been one of those. It wouldn't be that hard. Just make a head piece out of some bristly stuff and wear all white for the handle. Yes, it's going to be another lame costume year for me. I am pathetic.