Why can't I write like this?

I stumbled across this article in Salon. I recently read this guy's book "Important Things That Don't Matter" after reading about him in a gothamist interview. I wasn't so impressed with the book, but this article is great. I wish I had an ounce of his talent. I think I've killed too many brain cells to be able to put together something so intelligent and interesting. Wouldn't it be great if you could be as intelligent and attractive as you wanted to be? But then I guess everyone would be intelligent and attractive, and the world's gotta have its losers. I play a crucial role in the universe by being an utter failure. So really I'm not a failure at all, because without me all the successful and talented people wouldn't look nearly as good. Here's to the losers of the world!